Saturday, February 11, 2006

Mind Blowing*

1:10 am
Mc Donald's
Lacson St.

I am again at a crossroads in my life. I remember feeling the same way at another time, in another place. I was alone, like I am now, in Jollibee Pedro Gil, near UP Manila. We were in our last year of college and I remember feeling amazed at how far the Lord has brought me.

In less than 3 months, I am graduating from Medical School -- the fulfillment of a lifelong dream and the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. How the Lord has been faithful! I can still remember entering the medicine building for the first time, 4 years ago. I remember writing on my journal my thoughts even as the upper classmen walked past me. All that is about to come to an end. 3 months. That will fly by so fast I won't even notice it.

How am I a different person now compared to 4 years ago? Well, hopefully I'm smarter and wiser. I don't think I've matured all that much. I still see my childishness rear its ugly head far too often for my liking.

Med school has been an experience, one fast paced adventure that I will never forget. It has brought out in me so many mixtures of emotions, some of which I have never felt before: empathy, grief, complacency, apathy, anger (lots of it), sympathy, terror, depression (not clinical, hehe), confusion, and the sense of being totally and utterly lost. I've picked up nuggets of wisdom along the way but I've also acquired some really bad habits too.

More than missing the institution that gave me my medical education, I will miss the concept, the idea, the experience of being a med student the most. It seems to have been the one real obsession of my life (not sinful, I hope) -- getting into med school. This is probably why I am so much at a loss as I prepare to leave this experience. Some thoughts now: where should I do my residency training? What will I do after all this? Where is the Lord leading me to? This is in stark contrast to my thoughts before starting med school: I am going to med school and I am going to become a doctor. Period.

Here's the scarier thought. I am about to end my life as a professional student and start my life as a professional. Just this afternoon, I paid my last tuition ever. The implications are just mind blowing!

I know the Lord has so much more in store for me than I can ever conceive. It's just a little difficult for me to face right now because, in the words of my friend Jen: "I am now standing here looking straight at my big bright future. And I say bright because I can't see a thing other than this big white undefined space that I assume is a light since I'm dizzyingly confused and scared out of my mind." In spite of the confusion, I continue to marvel at the Lord's faithfulness. God knows how I have been utterly unfaithful to Him these past 4 years and He knows I will continue to be stubborn. And yet He has promised me eternal love and life and guidance. I am just so completely in awe of Him right now.

I graduate and receive my medical degree on April 29, 2006. Well, that is if I pass the Oral Revalida in March. But at this point, I claim from the Lord my passing the Orals and consider my graduation a done deal.

Sigh. Doctor Henson. It gives me the shivers. It sounds so foreign. It's surreal. It sounds so sweet and yet so … acidic (I'm grappling for words here…). Mind blowing. That's really all I can say. And perhaps, lastly, a phrase I have grown to love. It's Latin:

Soli Deo Gloria.

*************
*Originally a journal entry.

7 comments:

petewatcher said...

New look. wow. I prefer this one.

PiNkBlOtS said...

hi Karl! This is Shey (ask mo si Angel). I was blog-hopping when I saw your blog. Nice posts. Goodluck sa atin sa Revalida!!!

JenMP said...

I do not come around your blog nearly enough. Wow, it sounds like your crossroads are more mind-numbing than mine! It must be so much harder tho since you have been in school for so much longer. The "student" occupation really does become comfortable, despite all the stress. But I have confidence that you will do just fine. And "Doctor Henson" has a very nice ring to it. You'll get used to it eventually, so cherish the newness of the sound when it becomes official. And keep blogging or journaling all of these thoughts because 15 years down the road when you have your own working practice, it'll be neat to look back on how new and exhilerating everything was. Just a thought. Later!

(oh ya, how cool is it that you quoted me???? i don't think i've ever been quoted like that before. kinda weird. thanks! ;op )

JenMP said...

Here's a wild guess. Does soli deo gloria mean "to God be the glory?" I know deo is God and gloria looks like glory and taking from french and spanish classes, I think I can assume that soli is a conjugated form of "to be." Sorry, I had to think through it. Is that right tho?

karlmd said...

yep, that's what it means. to God alone be the glory!

JenMP said...

that is a really cool phrase... especially cuz it's in... Italian? hooray for Christmas carols and foreign language classes!

karlmd said...

latin. the ancient form of italian, in a way. hehe.